Losing someone you care deeply about is the most painful thing, I believe, that anyone can ever go through. You're never the same. I was never the same.
I don't always understand why God asks certain things of us. And at the time it seems like there's absolutely no way it could be for the good. There isn't a faint light at the end of the tunnel. There's not even a tunnel! And yet He asks anyways.
Something I've learned over the past five months is that when God asks something of us, there's always a reason. That might sound kinda elementary, but trust me, is not always easy to remember. After letting go of that friendship, it took quite a while for me to see any ounce or shred of reason. But if we wait, He will reveal His reasons...even if it takes months.
So you're probably wondering what the reason was that I had to let go of my dear friend. To be honest, I still don't know all the reasons. But I do know some:
1. God wants all of us. Everything. It's so easy for us to get caught up in our physical, tangible relationships that we forget the most important One. I did. God is jealous for us. He is passionately pursuing us...ALL of us.
2. When we are willing to surrender the things that mean the most to us, God can come and establish a new and deeper relationship with us. Remember Abraham and Isaac? There was nothing that meant more to Abraham then his only son. When God asked him to sacrifice Isaac, I can assure you that Abraham didn't see a light at the end of that tunnel. But he obeyed and was willing to surrender Isaac. Why? Because his obedience to God meant more to him then understanding God's reasons for taking the thing that he held most dear in his life. And God rewarded Abraham for his willingness to surrender everything. Not only did He establish a new and deeper relationship with Abraham, but He made a covenant with him that would bless him even after he had died.
3. God wants to cleanse us of our idols and the things we clinge to so desperately in this world, so that He can put a new heart and spirit in us. In Ezekial 36 God is speaking to the nation of Israel, but I belive it still applies to us today:
"I'll pour pure water over you and scrub you clean. I'll give you a new heart, put a new spirit in you. I'll remove the stone heart from your body and replace it with a heart that's God-willed, not self-willed. I'll put my Spirit in you and make it possible for you to do what I tell you and live by my commands." (The Message)
When we clinge to things in our life too tightly, they become the things that begin to define us. And those are the things that cause are hearts to become hard. But when those things are stripped of us, its then that God can replace them with His spirit, and a heart that's God-willed. Outside of that its impossible to live by his commands. Because we will be defined by something else.
4. It's in our darkest moments, when God becomes the only thing that we have left, that we can learn to completely rely on Him. There's a song by Tim Hughs called "When the Tears Fall", that spoke truth into my heart through everything:
I've had questions, without answers
I've known sorrow, i have known pain
but theres one thing, that i'll cling to
you are faithful, Jesus your true
when hope is lost, i'll call you saviour
when pain surrounds, i'll call you healer
when silence falls, you'll be the song within my heart
in the lone hour, of my sorrow
through the darkest night of my soul
you surround me, and sustain me
my defender, forever more
when hope is lost, i'll call you saviour
when pain surrounds, i'll call you healer
when silence falls, you'll be the song within my heart
I will praise you, i will praise you
when the tears fall, still i will sing to you
i will praise you, Jesus praise you
Through the suffereing still i will sing
If there's any single reason that I had to claim as the sole reason for losing that friendship its this: When we get to the point where everything that means anything has been stripped of us, it's then that we understand that God is the only one that can sustain us. Its then that we learn to cry out in desperation, "my God, my God. I NEED YOU!!" Someone I highly respect once said that the three hardest words to say aren't "I love you" or "I am sorry" or "I was wrong", but simply "I need you". When we come to the place of complete brokenness, there a rebirthing that happens in our heart. It's in that brokenness and complete desperation that we learn to priase Him with everything that's inside of us. It becomes real. It become deep. And it become cemented.
Now believe me when I say that I hope none of you will ever have to get to the place of pain and brokenness that I experienced, in order to become desperate. But I do wish that all of you could experiene the joy that comes in the morning after becoming solely reliant on joy. I would not trade what I have been going through for anything.
I know that God is not done revealing the reasons and lessons He has for me and I will continue to keep you in the know... :)
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